Scene 1:


KEVIN in kilt

MARK is being dressed by KEVIN


     KEVIN:               Nice setup, nice flowers

     MARK:                That’s the socks and shoes on

     KEVIN:               A lovely summer’s day shining on my head

                                 And Hibs have won the cup

     MARK:                Shirt and tie look fine

     KEVIN:               The vicar looks ok

     MARK:                Pale

                                 Kilts tight enough

     KEVIN:               Like a dayshift miner

     MARK:                Like our dad

                                 Pity he’s not here today


                                 Sporran and belt are good

     KEVIN:               You ready for this then?

     MARK:                I think so

                                 Waistcoat fits for once

     KEVIN:               Nerves?

     MARK:                Like you and flying

                                 I’m just a bit jittery

                                 Jacket’s perfect

     KEVIN:               Runs?

     MARK:                Not near wetting myself yet

                                 Especially in my kilt!



     KEVIN:               I see all the guests are arriving

                                 The aunties are here!

                                 No fuss I hope

     MARK:                All is fine

     KEVIN:               So are you ready for it?         

     MARK:                What?

     KEVIN:               The religious thing?

                                 All the promises you’ll never keep?

     MARK:                Never think of it much

     KEVIN:               You’ll fit in fine with the congregation then


KEVIN picks up a BIBLE and swats a fly


KEVIN looks through BIBLE as MARK stares at him


KEVIN:               And the son of man comes to seek

and save that which was lost

                            LUKE 19:10

                            Quite apt?

     MARK:                You’ll be reading my horoscope next

                                 Same prediction for a twelfth of the world

     KEVIN:               The world thrives on it

                                 Makes them quietly confident

                                 A soporific guidance

     MARK:                Sends them to sleep?

                                 Safer than drink

                                 What do say to your god?

     KEVIN:               All I ask is the chance to prove that money

                                 can’t make me happy?

     KEVIN:               How’s the City job?

     MARK:                Good so far, I think

                                 Good to get to from here

     KEVIN:               At least you’re past the first six months

                                 Never a problem for me

                                 I’ve managed to get a whole year out of my contract

                                 I’m always ahead of the game

                                 Different here, I think

     KEVIN (cont.):   Do they like you?

     MARK:                They think the sun shines out my arse     

     KEVIN:               Not through a kilt though

                                 They’re a bit snooty

                                 Do you like them?

     MARK:                So, so

                                 You know the way it is

                                 Much like before, best keep them guessing

                                 As long as they keep me working separately

                                 You know the project game

     KEVIN:               Too bloody true

                                 Remember what I told you

                                 Commit, deliver and escape

                                 No escape here though


                                 Remember, plan ahead

MARK:                Marj plans

                                 I deliver

     KEVIN:               What about her finances?

     MARK:                She earns for now

     KEVIN:               Ah, but what happens when her baby arrives?

     MARK:                Room is ready

     KEVIN:               What happens when you really need two cars?

     MARK:                I’ve bought a bike


                                 Have you got it?

     KEVIN:               Got what?

     MARK:                The ring


     KEVIN:               Bugger!


KEVIN searches all over his kilt attire


     MARK:                What?

     KEVIN:               Bugger! Bugger! Bugger!

     MARK:                Bugger what?

     KEVIN:               I had it when I dressed

                                 I put it in my waistcoat

     MARK:                And?

                                 Come on Kevin aren’t you in control?

     KEVIN:               It’s not there now

     MARK:                Where, where, where?

                                 Can’t really do a simple task can you?

                                 Marj will go ballistic


                                 Her mum!

                                 No! No! No!

                                 Where, where, where?


     KEVIN:               It’s not on me

     MARK:                Where can it be?


KEVIN becomes even more ANIMATED still searching


     KEVIN:               Zinging


round my mind



of every kind



flashing lights



for a sight



KEVIN (cont.):            there it lays



                                      I see new day

KEVIN:               It was in my sporran  

MARK:                Thanks for that

KEVIN:               Now in waistcoat


MARK:                You had me going there

KEVIN:               I’ve seen Marj in a rant

                            Difficult to beat

MARK:                Her mum?

KEVIN:               Changing your mind?

MARK:                Have I got a choice?

                            There’s the baby



KEVIN picks it up


KEVIN:               You get to pick the names?

MARK:                Marj wants me to have a look

                            Go through the possibilities

KEVIN:               Then agree with her?

MARK:                More than likely

                            She likes Marcus, after me

KEVIN:               A bit Roman

                            Did she do Latin like?

MARK:                Got the higher

KEVIN:               Oh no!

                            She hasn’t gone for Luciana?

MARK:                Not quite

KEVIN:               Not Isabella?

MARK:                Valentina

                            She likes Tina

KEVIN:               Does she really want a dog?

                            If she likes Tina

                            Then why not call the baby Tina?

MARK:                Not long enough, she says

KEVIN:               What has length got to do with it?

MARK:                A public school thing

                            They all have to have poncy names

                            That everyone shortens

KEVIN:               So they all sound the same

MARK:                Not sure on Valentina

KEVIN:               Here have a tipple

                            Here’s a bottle from the fridge

                            We can have it in my present

MARK:                You could have bought a silver quaich

KEVIN:               Not at the price they were charging

MARK:                Not a lot of heart there Mr Finance?

KEVIN:               It’s a present

MARK:                What is this stuff?

KEVIN:               The Green Fairy

MARK:                Green Fairy?

KEVIN:               Aye Absinth

                            See your worries go before you

MARK:                Darkness comes into the hall

Candlelight symbolically leads the way

To here where it’s hard to breath

Salt water tears he shows

He was nobody’s fool

To be cast aside

Waiting for the havoc to cease

To emerge unscathed           

KEVIN:               You ok pal!


MARK and KEVIN drink more


MARK:                Do you see it?

KEVIN:               No

                            It takes a lot to get me going

                            You ok buddy?

MARK:                Difficult to say

KEVIN:               Well

                            Say it any way

MARK:                I feel the pressure in my mind

The flashing spikes I fear

Making it all unclear

As the constant bind

Tears at me

                            Across me

Into me

Cushions cover up my skull

Hiding the pressing source

Suppressing the inner force

Hitting me sharp and dull

Like a great bell

Clanging hell

Not so well

Then it all goes clear

I can hear the clarity

Hear your vulgarity

A stage of no fear

Like droplets

In a quiet pond

Of this I’m fond

Please do not release the bond

That brings the ringing back again

KEVIN:               The Bells!

                            The Bells!

                            Not my idea of a whisky


MARK:                Is this the normal drink you have?

                            What does your god say?

KEVIN:               God said let there be light

                            and there was light

                            but the electricity board said he would have to wait

                            ‘til next Thursday to be connected


KEVIN picks up the BIBLE and looks at the pages then discards it


KEVIN:               Do you remember the time

                            When the work called you out

                            And no one was there?

MARK:                Yes

KEVIN:               Well, that was me

MARK                 What?

KEVIN:               Do you remember the time

                            When Marj’s car broke down

                            And had to stay overnight?

MARK:                Yes

KEVIN:               I was with Marj

                            All night

MARK:                All night?

KEVIN:               I did it all for you


MARK:                You arranged for the baby?

                            You bastard!



MARK punches at KEVIN


MARK misses and falls to the floor



KEVIN:               Living from a past to whatever comes
the definite to may be, or to may not
The scene changing with the time
it’s eddies and flows
taking us to new feelings
an expression, a stance, a dependency
all that change, all anticipating the way ahead
Being now is all that we feel
Being real is all that is now


MARK attacks KEVIN


     MARK:                Your now is here

     KEVIN:               Don’t you get it?

                                 Don’t you want the moment?

     MARK:                What moment?

     KEVIN:               Your chance

                                 Your moment of NOW

                                 Your reality


                                 How do you feel about Marj?

     MARK:                Marj?


                                 How could she?




     KEVIN:               Not mine

     MARK:                Not mine

     KEVIN:               Not the works either

     MARK:                Coming from the cabinet?

     KEVIN:               Whose phone is this?



     MARK:                It’s Marj’s work phone



                                 We will be down in ten


                                 Sieg heil!

     KEVIN:               Well!

     MARK:                Not sure

                                 But, I like a woman who’s in charge

     KEVIN:               Well this is the time

                                 The moment

                                 The move

                                 With Marj?

                                 Without Marj?

     MARK:                I still love her

     KEVIN:               Fine then

     MARK:                You? I’m not so sure about

     KEVIN:               Me?

                                 I’m just your best man

                                 The one that’s here to keep you straight

     MARK:                You don’t sound straight

     KEVIN:               Straight to the point, don’t you think?

     MARK:                You bastard

     KEVIN:               The best for you is to make you

                                 think best for the future

                                 In the past I lied

     MARK:                What?

     KEVIN:               About Marj

                                 Can you conceive her going for a Narcissist?


                                 Or with an Narcissist to conceive

     MARK:                Never!

     KEVIN:               Then nothing happened




About Lindsay Craik

Writer & Poet Poetry, plays and short stories
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