He feels it every day
Usually when alone
untouched and unspoken to
but often in a crowd as well
It comes with an ache, tugging at the heart.
It pulls him into the darkness
Thoughts of suicide come
and drift by; for another time
Feelings of dread cover him in a mild terror
that only he can perceive
Even when watering his plants his mind wanders
into the black and takes him back
to his underlying pursuit
to escape the dreams that taunt him
There are days when the ache
doesn’t come too often
It’s a time when there’s a strong focus for the day
and events take over like a smooth ointment
on an open sore
Even then there’s always an occurrence
uncontrolled hidden aggression coming from within
It’s like Tourette’s
a sudden flash or outburst without his control
Most of the time he can cover this
but sometimes not
The receivers never understand
they do not suffer and cannot relate
to the grieving undercurrent in front of them
They make a fun, he shies away.
He toils on and finds that he’s one and alone
in his affliction
There’s no one there to help him
as he cannot tell anyone of the real source
His close family and friends are themselves
complicit in the festered darkness
that surrounds him
No friend at the pub can wash this away
No one can discover the hidden dread he carries
He loves his children deeply
but he would not burden them with his troubles.
He tries to deflect the despair by giving hope
He pursues his work and takes on volunteer activities
They keep him going and take him through the day
but darkness comes and with it the dark dog
returns to stare in his eyes.
On a bad day a drink is taken
followed by others
but none of them help
All they do is increase the peaks of terror
that he feels driving him to the edge
He has managed to control this and only partakes
when he has good company
Drinking with bad company is another thing
The garden helps; the digging, the hoeing
the watering It takes him back to a quiet peacefulness
that focuses him on creation
This loneliness can be too long though
and the ache returns as a memory comes
randomly to mind.
He bears this out with aggressive attention
to his work and manages to tail it off
as a call from the house
begs him in for tea
He puts the thoughts away
and gathers the proceeds of his work
to show inside
where they think he’s fine.